Kevin Gerdes of Kevin Adopts and Kevin Gerdes Realty is a single gay man in LA navigating the foster to adopt parenting journey. Watch his latest vlog about the week he transferred Baby S.

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Let's talk about what it's like to lose your foster child. It's gut-wrenching. After 4+ months of protecting him with every fiber in my body, handing him over to a different family was absolutely the most challenging thing I have ever had to experience in my life to date.

My first foster-son, Baby S, came to me on February 4th, 2021. I got a call in the middle of the day as I drove down Ventura Blvd in Sherman Oaks, CA. Actually, I was on the phone with a friend frustrated about the length of time it had been that I was waiting for a placement call. The call came through; I switch over and right away was told a 7-week old baby boy would be delivered to my home within hours. At that moment, my life changed forever.

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Here I was, this single man, no family residing within 3,000 miles of my home, and never had been a parent before, instantly became the parent to this tiny soul.

The moment I met him, he was sitting in a car seat in the back of a DCFS worker's car. He woke up and smiled at me. At no point had I ever felt a bit of hesitation to pick him up and console him. It was just all so natural for me.

Time would pass, and he grew into a beautiful 5-month-old baby boy. His personality is pretty spectacular. By the time he left my home, he was just beginning to teethe.

When I started my YouTube channel, I had no idea of the people I was about to meet. There have been so many people who have watched the journey of Baby S, and I unfold. So many people have taken the time to watch our videos and comment, comments of prayer, and support. I would come to find out that it would be these people online via social media that I would find would be my greatest support.

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On May 14th, 2021, Baby S was transferred to a new home. At this point, the reason for the transfer just isn't important. I accept the reality of the situation and pray daily that he is well taken care of. What I want to speak about is the pain of letting go, or rather, moving through the pain.

I don't like to say I have let go because it feels just a bit too negative for me. I prefer to say that I have moved through the experience.

I loved Baby S.

I protected Baby S.

I fought for Baby S.

I made a decision to peacefully transfer Baby S.

Now, I must allow myself to heal from the hurt I felt due to the transfer.

Foster parents are asked to be the first to love their foster children and are often the last to be told of any happenings in their cases. We are expected to love these children as we would our own flesh and blood, and then at the drop of a dime, told to give them up. The entire process is grueling and, honestly, not natural.

So why do it? Why put yourself through this torture? I personally want to be a father. I long to nurture a life. I desire to raise a child to adulthood and parent them throughout the remainder of their lives. I also believe that God calls us to care for his people; this is one way to do that.

No matter how you become a parent, not every aspect of parenting will make an Instagram-worthy photo. There will be times of trial and tribulation. Every time something happened with Baby S's case, I feared losing him. However, I knew I had a job to do. I had to absorb all the negativity so that he never felt any of it. And that's what I did. That's what many foster parents do.

So, the day I lost Baby S, I handed him over, after hugging, kissing, and holding him tightly. I walked back to my car, looked to the DCFS social worker, and said, "Please promise me you will keep him safe". She did. When I sat in my car, I screamed. The pain I had felt that day was like none I have ever felt before.

I don't know if I will ever see or hear Baby S again in this life. All I can do is pray that I do and that he is safe.

It's been just over a week, I have attempted to contact his new foster home via phone and text a handful of times, and I have gotten zero replies. It's tough not to harbor hate for this woman, but I do my best to remind myself that God has a plan. I don't always understand what He is up to, but I trust that it's for the best. That brings me peace.

xoxo Kevin