Elaine Dizon aka Coach Mom is a recognized AT&T Business Cultural Champion and life coach living in Northern California. She is a married mother of two raising a transracial family. Understanding that time is a finite resource, Elaine believes in intentional living. Taking time to reflect and set up a thoughtful approach in how we show up for ourselves, for our children, and others can offer us the clarity we need to live the life we dream.

As a child, you think showing up is simple. A family member calls your name -- you wander, run, or slowly walk over to them. When you start school, you learn that it is important to be on time for your classes, classmates, teacher, and activity times for recess, lunch, break and field trips. When your favorite show is on, you make haste to be there for the opening scenes. When it is time to meet up with a friend, you figure out a way to show up. For many of us, showing up is a physical thing. Over the years, showing up has taken on qualities I did not expect.

My mom died in a car accident when I was thirteen. My dad realized he needed to be both mom and dad to his children. He’s not a spoken word kind of guy. Up until then, he rarely said, “I love you” to us. My brother was already living on his own, so Dad had to learn how to be a single parent as he grieved for the loss of his wife. To cope, he started running six miles a day. Sometimes, it was six miles a day, TWICE a day. This was back in the late 80s, when running gear was cotton sweats and a pair of so-so sneakers. He would head out while I toiled at my homework and hobbies. We were both processing her absence and the space he offered was as helpful to me as it was to him.

In honor of my mother’s passing thirty years later, I ran thirty races in 2017. These races varied in distance (5Ks, 10Ks to Half marathons) and type (road races, trail running, inflatable obstacle races, and Tough Mudder 10ish miles races). I signed up because each time I had a chance to run, I thought about my parents and what they offered me and what I was working towards offering my children. Here are the top three things I learned about showing up over the course of those thirty races:

1. Even in death, my mom shows up. She’s in the wind while I walk or run outside. Every trail race offered me an opportunity to think about how much she loved gardening and landscaping. Her work was impressive. So much so, she won “Yard of the Month” a few times when we lived in Guam. It was during a 10K run at Las Trampas in San Ramon that I realized I loved looking outside at nature in a way my mother did. As I stopped and gasped for breath after a challenging ascent, I looked out towards the hills and thought, “Wow, how lucky am I to see this expanse?” A bit of sadness showed up, and then a kiss of wind. I realized, “She sees it…she’s always seen nature’s beauty.”

2. My dad’s longstanding belief, “Children don’t ask to be here. It’s my job to be here for you and your brother no matter what…for as long as I am here.” And he has been. My dad may not say, “I love you” but he shows up when you need him and sometimes, when you don’t. During high school, Dad would be at every musical event I played at – no matter what time of day. He would sit and read Newsweek during my hourlong drum set lessons. When I was about to miss the college application deadline, he drove to the main post office distribution center in our area to make sure the envelopes were time date stamped properly. As I started working, Dad would drive to my job and change the oil on my truck in the company parking lot. I didn’t know about this until a co-worker noticed an older man crawling under my truck. When I looked out the window, I saw his car parked next to mine and I answered, “That’s my dad.”

3. Showing up is the hardest thing to do. I’m not an athletic person. When I started running, I was a treadmill loyalist who could go to the gym after the sun rose at my convenience. I realized signing up for races meant training, getting up as early as 4:30 AM to get somewhere before an 8AM start time, and that I needed to do research on the run before I arrived to be prepared. There were some mornings I didn’t want to wake up and go. Knowing that each race represented a year without my mom, that was the fuel that kept me going. My intention to honor her life for an entire year was a commitment I was not willing to miss. My father showed me how he never missed a commitment to me. In that spirit, I was not going to miss a race for her.

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I’ve been heeding my dad’s mantra and the precious gift of time to assist me in showing up for my children in a way that they will remember more about me than “being busy”. As a parent of a nine-year old and six-year old, when I call them over, they are not always motivated to head on over. For me, in that moment there is a spark, “Why can’t they just get on over here?!” And in that moment, I PAUSE. I P A U S E and not react. I take those precious seconds and remember: kids did not ask to be here, I am fortunate to have the time to be here with them, and how do I want to show up to them right now? It is in those few seconds where I rethink my approach and offer a different facet of myself. Day to day, that is my tactic to reset as often as I need to while I juggle working from home, their distance learning, and everything in between those activities. At least once I month, I revisit the question, “What stories do I want my children to remember about me?” It’s in these thought sessions that I map out activities for us to do together so they can share their interests with me (hello crafting, graphic novels, and watching Voltron Reboot) while I share my interests with them. “Being busy” is not how I want them to remember me. It is my intention to be a kind and loving mother to them for as long as I am able to. Who knows? Maybe one day, I will be in the background of their video calls, showing up out of the blue bringing them coffee and a muffin, and then quietly exiting screen left.

When you are feeling that spark to react quickly, I encourage you to take that moment to pause. As you think of the word, “pause” think of it sounding long with a mellow tone of voice -- P A U S E. Pause as often as you need to throughout the day and ask yourself, “How am I showing up right now?”

Whether you are discovering how to show up in areas of your life or have ready set go mantras that prompts you to show up in a memorable way, I would love to hear how you are showing up in life right now.

Your Coach Mom,

elaine

IG: @yourcoachelaine