Photo cred: Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

The behavior you see from your child is the behavior they learn from you.

"Do as I say, not as I do" was a regularly heard phrase for my generation.

We GenXers grew up in a world where our parents told us what to do while doing the opposite.

It never made sense to us because we'd get in trouble for doing what our parents did. If they did or said certain things, indeed, it was okay for us too. Right?

Not according to many parents of the Boomer generation.

I never understood where or when that phrase started (and still don't.)

But that type of parenting stuck with me, and I carried it into my adulthood and "first" family life.

I say the first family because after raising my children, I'm now raising my twin six-year-old grandsons and have been since they were three.

Now I see Millennials parenting similarly because that's what they learned from us, who learned it from our parents in this never-ending generational parenting cycle.

The "do as I say, not as I do" approach didn't work well with my kids, the same as it didn't go over well with me. And there's a reason for that.

Children learn by what they see.

They watch how you handle stress, how you treat other people, how you perform essential functions of everyday life, and they see how you manage your emotions.

It's called Social Learning Theory and Modeling.

According to PsychologyToday.com, "Social learning theory combines cognitive learning theory, which posits that learning is influenced by psychological factors, and behavioral learning theory, which assumes that learning is based on responses to environmental stimuli.

"Psychologist Albert Bandura integrated these two theories in an approach called social learning theory and identified four requirements for learning — observation (environmental), retention (cognitive), reproduction (cognitive), and motivation (both)."

It's an interesting theory, especially the experiment Bandura developed.

It's called the Bobo Doll experiments in which children watched adults behave a certain way with the doll, either passively or aggressively.

The results were remarkable.

If the children observed an adult using aggressive behavior with the Bobo Doll, they acted aggressively. The same was true for passive behavior.

Bandura determined that children learn social behaviors through observation, and it shapes how they interact with others and the world.

The Astute Observer in Your Home

So if you tell your child to do one thing while you do another, what is she learning?

If you're behaving one way but ask your son to act another, what is he observing?

According to Amy Morin, LCSW, in this article on VeryWellFamily.com:

"Kids repeat what they hear, and they imitate what they see. For this reason, you need to be mindful of the things you're inadvertently teaching your child."

I like what Morin also said,

"Show your kids how to follow your household rules by modeling them every chance you get. Likewise, use discipline that teaches life skills; and explain how these rules will help them later in life.

If you show kids that you honor the rules, it will increase the effectiveness of your discipline strategies."

A Different Approach to Parenting

Taking on kids again meant finding a different approach if I wanted to do this parenting thing "right" the second time.

Honestly, I didn't have much choice. The boys have many special needs ranging from Autism Spectrum Disorder and Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder to severe ADHD, Tourette's Syndrome, Sensory Processing Disorder, anxiety, and depression.

Helping them learn to regulate their emotions was one of the biggest challenges we faced.

Controlling my feelings as I dealt with the sudden change of raising kids again was an even more significant problem because it set our whole family's tone.

Ever heard the saying, "If mama ain't happy, then no one is happy?"

I experienced everything from grief and resentment to depression and anxiety multiple times a day for weeks and months.

Over the next three years, we went on a parenting journey that led us to a new parenting type.

It's called conscious parenting, which has emerged in recent years thanks to experts such as Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., who is a New York-based clinical psychologist, public speaker, and author of several parenting books.

Conscious parenting, to me, means being aware of the choices you make and the behaviors you model for your child.

It's about taking the time to think before you react with your child.

It's about being self-aware.

Becoming a conscious parent forces you to look within yourself and work through the programming from your childhood.

As you do so, you begin to shift your thinking.

You learn to let go of the limiting beliefs and judgments from your childhood, so you don't place them on your child.

Instead, you allow your children the space to grow and be their unique selves without trying to "fix" them or raise a "mini-me" version of yourself.

In our family, we also combine this parenting approach with connected parenting.

This mix of parenting styles fosters connection with your child before correction and uses empathy, understanding, and compassion as a foundation when we discipline.

There are many other versions of this type of parenting — gentle parenting, positive parenting, relationship-based parenting, et. al.

The point is, the conscious, connected parenting approach is the opposite of the fear-based, punitive parenting many of us are familiar with from our childhood and the currently accepted norm.

The method is so successful for our special-needs grand family that it led me to become a Conscious Connection Parenting Coach to help other families like ours.

That doesn't mean that I have this parenting gig down. I still have rough days and moments like every parent.

It's easy to get sucked into feeling depressed or like a failure because you yelled at your child or didn't handle a situation as well as you would have liked.

It's okay for your children to see all the parts of you. It helps them see you're human, and it's okay to be mad, sad, glad, and all of the emotions in-between.

Modeling Conscious Connection

My grandsons recently had another chance to see their Mimi (me) break down during a rough patch.

Anytime I break down in front of them, they are always empathetic and caring. But this time was different.

One of my grandsons used a calming technique that I'd recently shown them.

It's called time-in instead of time-out and includes using a calm down corner. It's a quiet place to go wind down, cry out your feelings, or chill.

I discovered it from Generation Mindful, a great website full of resources and products for conscious parents or parents seeking a more peaceful and connected parenting approach.

The concept of a time-in instead of a time-out fosters connection and work through big feelings healthily.

Suzanne Tucker, the founder of Generation Mindful, asks a great question,

"What if 'Stop crying' turned into 'I'm listening' for an entire generation?"

Tucker created a Time-In Tool-kit, and we received it and put it together only a few weeks before this incident.

As I was sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing and feeling overwhelmed, my sweet grandson sat down in front of me. Then, he asked in the most adorable little voice, "Do you need help calming down?"

I nodded my head, yes, and he reached out his hand, motioned for me to get up, and said, "Come on, we're going to the calm down corner."

I was stunned by his suggestion and walked with him in a crying daze to their bedroom.

The boys had been reluctant to use the tool-kit and calm-down corner for themselves. Yet, here was one of them leading me to their time-in spot.

He directed me to sit down and pointed to the posters on the wall that came with their Time-In Tool-kit.

Then he pointed to the different emotions on the posters, gently leading me through the whole process of naming my feelings, choosing a calm-down strategy, and sitting with my feelings until I processed them.

It was a surreal experience.

I remember thinking even through my crying, and yes, even hugging his favorite stuffed animal, that it didn't matter if you're six, 46, or 86. Everyone needs a calm-down corner.

And I also realized — he is modeling my behavior. He executed the steps correctly and had so much empathy and understanding of my feelings.

He modeled for me exactly what I had shown them over and over and over, never knowing if any of it would fully sink in, especially during the many meltdowns and sibling conflicts that arise every day.

Yes, every parent has these issues; there's no doubt.

Still, it's exponentially more difficult in our house due to one autistic child and another with a disruptive mood disorder, among many other special needs.

My grandson showed me how much our children (and grandchildren) pay attention and absorb everything we say or do, good or bad.

Last Thoughts

We're still in lockdown mode or some variation of it at the time of this writing due to COVID-19.

Many families are sheltered-in-place and have been for weeks and months. Tensions and emotions are incredibly high.

During this time, we need to be even more cautious about how we behave, how we react, and how we conduct ourselves because our littles are watching, learning, and absorbing it all.

What lessons do you want your children to learn from you during this crucial point in history?

What feelings do you want to invoke and foster?

What behaviors do you want to model for your children now and in the future?

If you've been angry, stressed, frustrated, and tense and noticed similar behavior in your children, it's never too late to start modeling calm, positive action.

The chance to practice is in the next moment, and the next, and the next — well, you get the picture.

Remember, it's okay to feel all the feelings, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, most importantly, to share how to work through them together.

Dawn-Renée Rice is a writer, speaker, and parenting coach living in the great state of Texas with her husband of 20-plus years. They have three children and six grandchildren. Together they're raising their twin grandsons with special needs. To book an introductory Discovery Session, Me-Time Mapping Session, or a What's Next Roadmapping Session, click here.

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