Recently after school in the pickup line, one of my seven-year-old grandsons had a rough time. He is autistic with a sensory processing disorder, severe ADHD, Tourette's Syndrome, anxiety, and depression.

I could see an epic public meltdown brewing as two teachers tried to help him to the car.

I rolled down the window and told the teachers that were trying to help him to let him go, give him space to calm down, and I'd pull down so other people could get their kids.

I didn't get mad or embarrassed. I used to when we first started raising our grandsons, before I learned what I know now about how children's brains work, especially autistic brains.

Add in sensory processing disorder and severe ADHD, and you have a recipe for a highly dysregulated child (or adult).

At that moment, I knew, being mad or embarrassed wouldn't accomplish anything productive. Besides, my grandson was in fight/flight mode.

No amount of reasoning would work. That part of his brain, the logical part, was shut down. Survival mode had kicked in.

So the teachers did as I'd requested.

They gave him space to calm down.

Then the counselor walked him down to the car.

I got out and, in a gentle tone, said, "Hey bud, what's going on?"

He was still recovering from his meltdown with arms crossed tight, lip pooched, head hanging down. I held him, he leaned into me, and I stroked his hair as I talked with the counselor.

As special needs parents and caregivers, we have to explain and advocate—a LOT. I explained how everybody has two parts to their brains—the logical part (frontal lobe) and survival part (amygdala).

When the logical part can no longer help the survival mode part, in essence, it shuts down. We go into fight/flight/freeze/faint mode.

In my grandson's case, he went into fight mode, unable to calm himself down and see logic and reason. It is at this moment when our kids need us the most.

They need us to remain calm. Because if we get escalated while our kids are escalated, well, it just escalates the situation. The last thing that we want!

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

We were finally able to get him to agree to get into the car, but only after we devised a plan for handling the situation in the future. You see, he's been having these meltdowns more frequently in the school pickup line.

It's these times when we special needs caregivers go into detective mode, immediately seeking out the root cause so we can solve the problem. Our children don't deserve to keep going through such a hard time, not if we mama and papa bears can help it!

I want to say that once we got him in the car, he buckled in immediately, and everything was fine. It wasn't. He refused to get in his seat, threw a few items, and crossed his arms again. I stood there, patiently waiting for him to work through and process his emotions.

Finally, after 10 minutes or so, my grandson leaned towards me and bumped his head against my shoulder, arms still crossed, head hung down, lip still pooched. This action was his non-verbal signal that he was apologizing for his behavior and wanted to connect.

I gently asked, "Do you want to hug?' and he held out his arms. From there, he relaxed a bit and allowed me to buckle him into his car seat. I slid into my seat with a sigh of relief. As I looked around the school, I noticed we were the last ones there. At least most of the traffic had gone!

When we made it home, we took advantage of the nice weather and walked the dog. The fresh air, the sun, the dog, and the quiet were what he needed to recenter himself.

The noise and kids around him, especially during lunch in the cafeteria and after school in the pickup line, resulted in after-school meltdowns.

After talking with the school counselor, we devised a plan. He can sit inside in a quieter place until it's time to come out to my car. He can also wear noise-canceling headphones in the cafeteria at lunch.

Ultimately, I decided to go back to my previous routine of getting to the pickup line early enough to be first. That way, he can come straight out with his brother and not be immersed in a crowd of noisy kids after school.

When I mentioned my ideas to my grandson, he beamed up at me and nodded yes. Being parents and caregivers doesn't mean that we always make all of the rules and decisions and tell our kids to go along with them.

We are a team. We bounce ideas off of each other, we discuss problems, and we find solutions together. It makes for a much more harmonious home!

Maybe you don't know how to handle situations like these and need some guidance? I was the same way at one time. Here are the resources that helped me on my path to becoming a more conscious, connected parent:

The Whole Brain Child and No Drama Discipline by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber
How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King

I highly recommend them, and I love listening to the audio versions while I'm doing household chores like washing dishes, laundry, and other mind-numbing tasks.

The bottom line is: You can either keep handling things with your kids the same way and getting the same results (which probably aren't the best). Or, you can take advantage of the enormous amount of resources online and in print to create the more peaceful, happy home that you want.

Remember, knowledge is power.

Dawn-Renée Rice is a writer, columnist, speaker, and advocate for conscious connected living and parenting. She works with parents in challenging situations to help them reduce stress, manage meltdowns and power struggles, navigate the special needs life, and find time for themselves.

She lives in the great state of Texas with her husband of 20-plus years. They have three adult children and six grandchildren under the age of seven. Together she and her husband are raising their twin grandsons with special needs. To find out more about Dawn-Renée visit her online at www.dawnreneerice.com.