The Four-Step Process to Create a More Peaceful Home

One of my favorite quotes is from Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor, psychologist, and neurologist. He said:

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

There is profound truth in this quote.

As parents, we have a choice: respond with fear and control (reactively) or with calm and understanding (proactively).

When we choose the latter, we’re being a conscious, connected parent.

We’re taking the time in between the stimulus Frankl talked about (your kids fighting, for example) and the response to decide how we’re going to respond.

Will we step in immediately yelling, “Stop it now! Quit fighting!” and send kids off to corners and rooms, totally disconnected from each other, and you?

Will we add to the chaos without understanding their points of view and helping them find ways to peacefully resolve their conflicts?

Will we contribute to growing feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, or depression?

If you handle the conflict triggered and upset, what is the end result?

My guess is, your family has a lot of conflicts, strife, unresolved problems, and feelings of resentment from being unheard, misunderstood, and dismissed.

And you feel like a failure as a parent.

Does this sound familiar? If so, I understand.

In my first go-round as a parent in the ’90s and early-to-mid 2000s, I parented the traditional way: with fear, control, empty threats, and yes, even spanking. It was all I knew.

Most of us parented that way and many of us still do.

It wasn’t until my kids were teens and young adults that I realized the damage that way of parenting causes.

“Disconnected relationships, feeling as if you’ve lost your child emotionally, and living with feelings of frustration, resentment, and failure aren’t fun. At all.”

I knew I’d “messed up” and it was too late to repair some of the damage.

It didn’t mean we couldn’t heal, or that we couldn’t become close again, but those formative years for laying down a strong foundation of family connectedness were gone.

It was heartbreaking, and I was riddled with guilt for many years.

I wish I could say that we’re one big happy family who has fun gatherings and outings. We’re not, but we do get along, and I’ve learned to accept the relationships we do have.

Now, I’m not sharing this to scare you into thinking it’s too late for you. It really is never too late. But it’s also important to be realistic.

Sometimes emotional damage is done beyond what you can control after a certain age. I’m sure that if you think about your relationship with your parents you can relate.

When that happens, what you can do is learn to forgive yourself, find acceptance in the situation, and seek to do better in each interaction with your child going forward.

Remember, we can’t redo the past. We can only choose how we live and parent in each moment we’re given. (Which doesn’t stop after age 18, let me tell ya.)

Ephesians 6:4 says, “…do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.” (emphasis added is mine)

Discipline is not the same as punishment. In this sense, it means “to teach.”

The Lord is reminding us twice in the scripture that we need to teach and instruct our children in the right way to live. In this case, how to resolve conflict peacefully.

Are you ready to teach your children a more peaceful way to resolve their conflicts?

Are you ready to break the cycle of fear and control, disconnect, and misunderstanding?

Are you ready to feel empowered enough to stop, think, take a moment to consider your approach, and then calmly wade into the fray to facilitate resolution?

If so, keep reading to find out how to create peace and harmony in your home.

Discovering a more peaceful approach

When my husband and I took on raising our twin grandsons in 2017 when they were three-and-a-half, we had no idea the road we would travel.

Being a grandparent is totally different than parenting a grandchild.

We’re older, we’ve already done this, and we miss out on being a grandparent to them and our other grandchildren. Plus, the boys have multiple special needs. A perfect storm of high emotions and many conflicts.

After several frustrating months of parenting the “traditional way” (i.e., fear-based, controlling, punitive parenting), we quickly realized this doesn’t work. And it doesn’t feel right.

Thus began our journey to conscious, connected parenting, where everyone’s feelings and emotions are acknowledged and respected while holding firm boundaries.

It’s a parenting process that allows for mistakes and growth, and most importantly, connection. And not just for the parents but for the kids too.

Are we perfect? No. Absolutely not.

It’s hard to change 40 and 50+ years of parenting (from our parents and our own parenting the first time around.) But I’d say we hit it out of the park 95% of the time each day.

Then there are the moments we think we’ve got this all figured out, and we’re rocking this parenting thing, and then a curveball is thrown our way.

Our newest curveball happened after the boys turned six last year. Suddenly the sibling conflicts escalated.

I found that I was really struggling to handle them.

I mean, it has only been (counting fingers and toes here), 20 years since I’ve had small, school-age children.

So I dove back into my research, searching for answers on how to resolve the fights. I’d become a master at handling the individual meltdowns by this point.

But sibling fights, during a pandemic where we’re locked up in a house 24/7/365 (well, hopefully not 365 but you get my point), was and is not ideal!

What is this magical, peaceful approach of which I speak?

Conscious connection.

It’s so simple, yet so hard because it takes a lot of patience and work. You’ve got to really be in it to win it on this one.

But I can assure you, once you get the hang of it, it gets easier each time.

The Conscious, Connected Parenting Approach to Sibling Conflict

The approach consists of several steps designed to de-escalate conflicts and find a peaceful resolution.

We find peacefulness when we apply the conscious, connected parenting concept.

This concept includes allowing your child to be who they are and acknowledging they are their unique selves with thoughts, feelings, and emotions of their own.

We show love, empathy, compassion, and understanding in all of our interactions (as much as possible anyway).

The conscious, connected parenting approach to sibling conflict involves a process — calming yourself first, listening to empathize and understand, solving the problem together, and celebrating success.

Calm Yourself First

When your children are fighting, don’t immediately rush in. Stand back for a moment, assess the situation, and pray for strength if you need to.

This moment is the “space” Frankl refers to. The moment in time when you choose how you’re going to react.

Are you going to react in a calm and understanding way?

Or are you going to jump in, yelling and screaming, acting as if you are the judge and jury?

If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably done the latter far too many times.

You know that rushing in mad and stressed out only adds to the chaos.

L.R. Knost, award-winning author and children’s rights activist, says it beautifully, “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”

By taking that one moment to calm yourself, you’ve taken the first step towards peaceful resolution.

If you’re like me and have a short temper, this isn’t easy. It took a heck of a lot of practice for me to calm myself.

But now, most of the time, I’m able to wait before jumping into a sibling conflict until I’ve taken that moment to breathe, think, and assess the situation.

Sometimes, the boys resolve the dispute before I even have to respond. Can we say #parentingwin?

Listen to Empathize and Understand

After you calm yourself and assess the situation, approach the fray in a firm but loving way.

Recognize that their behavior stems from an unmet need, or they might feel unheard, misunderstood, or mistreated.

Conflict doesn’t happen because you’re an awful parent or they are a terrible child. It’s human nature and sometimes unavoidable.

You don’t have to solve the problem immediately or by yourself. And you’re not a failure because the fights don’t stop.

Try to see conflict as a chance to learn and grow together and build strong connections.

As conscious, connected parents, it’s our job to help our children learn to navigate conflict in a healthy, loving, peaceful way so that one day, you don’t have to step in at all.

They can negotiate a peaceful resolution themselves, which will carry them well into adulthood.

What does listening and empathizing look like?

Connection happens when we allow each child to say what they feel and explain their perspective while you listen objectively and empathize with their feelings.

No taking sides. No deciding the outcome. Only listening and empathizing.

Examples of what you can say:

“I see you’re really upset. What can I do to help?”

“I heard you yelling at each other. What’s up?”

“I noticed you’re having a hard time. What are you feeling right now?”

You might get responses such as:

“I’m really mad because Tommy took my toy away from me.”

“I’m sad because Ashley won’t play with me.”

“Tyler broke my toy! Now I can’t play with it anymore! I’m so mad!”

Sigh. Again, here’s that space to think before you react. Use it wisely. The whole point is de-escalation, not to start another fight.

Solve it Together

You’ve allowed the children to feel heard, and they’ve had a chance to say how they feel. You’ve empathized and acknowledged their feelings. Now it’s time to ask how you can all work together as a team to find a solution.

Here’s how that looks:

Get down at their level when/if you can. This helps facilitate connection.

You can say something such as:

“Sweetie, I’m so sorry your toy was broken. I know how much you love playing with it. Tyler, what can we do to help your sister feel better? How can we solve this problem together?

Tyler might offer to glue pieces back together and apologize, or give one of his toys away to his sister if the toy isn’t fixable and she agrees. Or, if it’s age-appropriate, he can use money from savings or earn money to replace the toy.

Whatever the solution is doesn’t matter much. What is important is how you and the children feel during and after the interaction.

Do you all feel empowered, understood, and connected as a family?

Or do you feel misunderstood, out of control, and disconnected?

Hopefully, you all feel empowered, understood, and connected and can move on to the best step — celebrating success!

Celebrate Success

Congratulations! You have all worked hard to remain calm, listen to each other, empathize and understand, and reach a peaceful resolution. Now it’s time to celebrate!

What does that look like?

In our family, we often do high fives, congratulate each other on a great job working together, exchange big hugs, or find a family activity we can do together.

Sometimes it’s not possible to join in the “after-party” activity, and that’s okay.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to shut off a stove burner while cooking dinner to deal with conflict and then go right back to cooking. I’m sure you have as well.

But I keep the connection going and chime in as they play a game or decide to build something together.

It’s the connection that matters the most. Conflict resolution won’t be perfect every time.

It takes practice, which obviously isn’t a problem in most families. There will be plenty of more conflicts soon, even as you read this article.

But maybe there won’t be as many sibling conflicts with a more peaceful approach.

- Dawn

@dawnriceparentcoach

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Dawn-Renée Rice is a writer, columnist, speaker, and Conscious Connection Parenting Coach. She works with special needs parents and caregivers to help them reduce stress, manage meltdowns and power struggles, navigate the special needs life, and find time for themselves.

She lives in the great state of Texas with her husband of 20-plus years. They have three adult children and six grandchildren under the age of seven. Together she and her husband are raising their twin grandsons with special needs. To book an introductory Find Your Calm Session, Me-Time Mapping Session, or a What's Next Roadmapping Session, click here.