“Never try to rationalize with a child that is emotional. They don't want advice, they want love.” - Sarah Boyd.

Have you ever noticed when your child is upset or melting down, and you respond quickly with irritation and anger, it just gets worse? And you do it every time, expecting things to get better, but they don't?

There's a reason for that. Your child is communicating they have an unmet need. It's our job to figure out what that need is with calm and understanding, not judgment and anger.

I know it's hard. You don't want to deal with the noise or another meltdown. You don't want to feel as if you're a failure or out of control. Or maybe you're afraid that if you're not "harsh enough," your child is getting by with undesirable behavior.

The thing is, the more you focus on what you don't want, the more you attract it to you. Learn to shift your thoughts when the next meltdown, outburst, or disrespectful behavior occurs.

Ask yourself what you do want–peaceful, loving connection, right? When you do this, you will begin the process of attracting that desired outcome to you.

Recall how you feel when you're at your worst. Or those times when you feel misunderstood. You want someone to get you. But when they don't, you're left feeling unheard and frustrated. Or what about when your spouse, boss, coworker, or friend yells back at you? It doesn't feel so great, and you probably become immediately defensive.

Your kids want the same thing as you—to be heard and understood. We all want our needs met, no matter our age. Yes, it is hard, really hard at times. There will never be a perfect parenting moment, I promise.

But the first step to creating the peaceful, happy home life you want is to meet their chaos with calm. As L.R. Knost says,

"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos."

If you're calm enough to see past the surface to the needs below, then you can tap into compassion, understanding, and empathy instead of anger, frustration, and judgment.

But, if you are struggling to calm down or stay calm, walk away, take deep breaths, step outside to gather yourself, or even pray, whatever helps you find your calm.

Photo by madison lavern on Unsplash — Photo by Madison Lavern on Unsplash

Then work on accepting and loving your child, especially when they're at their most challenging. That's when they need us the most.

Even just one step in the right direction is better than no step at all. It's better than repeating the same choices each time, expecting different results, but getting the same frustrating behaviors from your children.

When you make an effort to meet their chaos with your calm, you will gradually begin to experience less chaos. Before you know it, you're looking around a (mostly) peaceful, happy, calm home.

But how do you start? Good question! There are a few strategies that can work.

The Cheat Sheet

I often advise my clients to create a little note or cheat sheet to keep nearby with the simple question, "What does a calm parent do?" and write down these three things below the question:

Stop
Breathe
Connect

I use an index card and keep it on my fridge for moments when I need a reminder to stop, breathe, connect within myself, and then with my child (grandchildren in my case).

This simple tool helps break the stream of negative thoughts and feelings, tapping into your logical conscious mind instead of the reactive non-conscious part of the brain. It's a simple reminder, but it works.

Visualization

We tend to focus on the negative more than the positive. For example, how often we yelled that day, how often our child did something to make us mad, or how we're failing as parents. What we focus on is what we bring to us remember?

Flip the thought process around and focus on at least one positive trait about your child or a good experience you had with them that day. Remember how good it felt when that situation went right instead of what went wrong. Then journal about that moment. It can be as long or as short as you need it to be.

Then, the next time you have a stressful, challenging moment with your child (and you know it's coming because that's parenting life), glance at your cheat sheet or journal. Remember to stop, breathe, and connect, and focus on the good that happened that day. That's what calm parents do.

- Dawn

@dawnriceparentcoach

———-
Dawn-Renée Rice is a writer, columnist, speaker, and Conscious Connection Parenting Coach. She works with special needs parents and caregivers to help them reduce stress, manage meltdowns and power struggles, navigate the special needs life, and find time for themselves.

She lives in the great state of Texas with her husband of 20-plus years. They have three adult children and six grandchildren under the age of seven. Together she and her husband are raising their twin grandsons with special needs. To book an introductory Find Your Calm Session, Me-Time Mapping Session, or a What's Next Roadmapping Session, click here.