How Motherhood Helped Me Accept My Vitiligo

I don’t talk about my experience with vitiligo often and when I do, it’s never on the internet for all to see, but recently I’ve realized it doesn’t affect me the way it once did. Vitiligo, which is an autoimmune condition that causes the loss of skin color, is not curable and no one knows the exact cause although research shows oftentimes people that have it also have other autoimmune conditions. Some people have success with creams or light therapy, but others don’t.

Around six years ago, I looked in the bathroom mirror and noticed a light spot on my neck. At first I thought maybe I’d somehow missed a spot with my sunblock or there was some other odd explanation. I took note of it and was slightly perplexed but mostly forgot about it.

A few days later I noticed it was still there and I started to panic. The spot on a my neck was totally white without any pigment in it at all. Now I don’t consider myself a particular vain person, but a totally colorless spot on my neck seemed pretty awful at the time and was literally the only thing I could focus on. After some time it spread to other places like my arms, my stomach and my hands. For the first few years I obsessively researched it, Googled it to try and find people who successfully cured themselves of it and generally tortured myself. I’ve spent far more hours than I’d like to admit crying over this and feeling totally overwhelmed with the possibility that it could one day spread more.

Vitiligo is a really tough condition. My dermatologist always tells me it can be a very psychologically challenging condition because you have zero control over it. Because I am relatively fair-skinned it’s less noticeable to others, but for some people, especially those that have it on their face, it can be hugely impactful. I’ve noticed it has become much more mainstream and now you can happen upon models with the condition all over Instagram which is pretty wonderful.

I know that in the scheme of things my condition is probably very minor to most people. But hopefully the story can resonate with anyone out there that has something that really bothers them. It can be hard when you want to change something about yourself and there is literally nothing you can do to control it. Here’s the silver lining: once I had my daughter I stopped caring... most of the time.

Now that I’ve lived with this for a few years here’s what I’ve come to realize: It literally impacts no one what my skin looks like other than myself and I don’t really have to let it impact me either. After having my daughter I slowly stopped obsessing over my vitiligo spots and focused less energy trying to conceal them. Ultimately I never want my daughter to see me acting self-conscious because one day she’ll have something that makes her feel uncomfortable or different and I never want her to remember me making a big deal of my own differences.

So to anyone struggling with something that makes them feel different, just remember that it even though it feels like an extra big deal to you it’s probably not as big of a deal for other folks. I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve totally embraced my vitiligo, because I haven’t. I still hate my spots, wish they’d go away and feel nervous when I think about it spreading more, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t do anything about it and that gives me a sense of peace that I am finally learning to embrace. Maybe it’s growing up, maybe it’s motherhood, but I’ve finally realized to focus on the big picture instead of my little spots.

- Callie