Elaine Dizon is a Filipinx life and mindset coach, writer, mother of 2, and a recognized AT&T Business Cultural Champion. She supports working moms with their next courageous conversation by churning chatter into courage through a process of pause and reflection.

A year after having my second child, I needed support. Fortunately, I joined a Mom’s Book Club that offered at least one night a month for some adulting, venting, and time with other mothers going through the parenting journey. Our titles ranged from funny memoirs like Amy Poehler’s Yes Please, Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime, and Jokoy’s Mixed Plate to nonfiction titles – some favorites A Man Called Ove by Fredrick Backman and Liane Moriarty’s The Last Anniversary: A Novel. With these books, we laughed, we cried, and we found ourselves sharing truths we couldn’t take to our parents, the workplace, other family members and friends. The challenges with breast feeding or feeling unsuccessful because parenting wasn’t as blissful or as easy as we thought dominated our book club discussions. A common theme we all shared was this idea of being patient and digging a deeper patience well as we juggled either work or school with being a mother of two. One month, we decided to read The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. This book changed my perspective and reminded me of some central tenets my dad vocalized over the years when he was raising me and my brother on his own as a widower.

By the time I read The Conscious Parent, I weathered my son’s terrible twos, terrible threes, and I was heading into the fearsome fours. My daughter was seven years old and very much in the game to be big sister to her little brother. This twosome are yin and yang to one another. Where my daughter is thoughtful and performs risk assessment, my son is a go for it risk taker. When my daughter stays in line, my son will wander off. When my daughter checks to make sure her hot cocoa is not too hot and sips it after at least five minutes of a cooling down period, my son will always…always take a hearty sip and burn his tongue in the process. So, it was with great relief that our book club dove into this book. I was working through some challenging projects at work which left me little alone time and just enough sleep. I had quite a bit of support from my mother-in-law and husband; but I was still finding myself growing increasingly impatient, ill tempered, and frantic when it came to interacting with my children. This was not the parenting journey I envisioned for myself. I craved to have the closeness that I had developed with my dad. The parent-child connection between us was built on tragedy, deep respect, and appreciation for all the times we sat quietly next to each other after a boisterous and robust conversation that ranged from current events, family updates, the news, and what we would be doing in the next few days. I wanted that for me and my kids and it wasn’t happening.

As I started reading Dr. Shefali’s book, I was struck by a particular theme that echoed a phrase my dad often used when he described his approach with his own children.

My dad often said and continues to say, “Kids are people too.” He truly believes that kids should be treated with dignity and respect. That children’s opinions matter. Their discomfort, their voice, their worries, their fears, their joys, and their sorrows are all valid. I’ve watched him give space to his grandchildren when they are going through an experience. He stands nearby looking befuddled, scratching his head, rubbing his belly, and making sure they don’t hurt themselves as they argue or recover from a major disappointment with a craft or exercise that fell apart. And then he asks questions. “How are you?” “Do you need help?” “Do you want to talk to your mom or dad?” “Do you need a hug?” After a while, whatever took place subsides and he checks back in and asks the kids, “Hey, is there something you need or do you have a question?” And they talk out of earshot. He often professes he doesn’t know what they are talking about, “Something about Minecraft or a cartoon,” but it never deters him from being fully present and supportive. There’s no commentary or judgment. There’s space, a hug, and a trusty handkerchief or napkin from his jean pocket to dry away tears.

In Dr. Shefali’s book, she describes the idea of a child being a child without expectation. “Our ability to stay connected to their essence, holding steady through those periods in which their external world may be falling apart, conveys the message that they are of immense value.” Dr. Shefali recognized the value children bring into a parent’s life. The parent-child connection is one of being allies and supporting one another in a journey that is composed of two or more life’s journey that doesn’t end when a child reaches a certain age. This is a relationship that is a test of letting go, self-inquiry, awareness, and challenging parenting paradigms that reign supreme. When she mentions that maybe it is not for the parent to raise the child, perhaps it is the child that raises the parent and the parent meeting that moment time and time again to understand a new skill or a new way to relate to another individual – and that individual happens to be their child.

When the book club met, we agreed that this book is a departure from many parenting books that offered techniques and strategies. The Conscious Parent is a book that demands parents to rethink the whole parenting paradigm at a unique level. To recognize the past and build a way forward. To be very present to the lesson that is presenting itself to you – and that the moment is not always a lesson you have to conduct for your child. I took this book to heart and began walking the path of being more present and open. Taking time each evening before saying good night and asking the kids three questions, “What was your favorite part of the day?”, “What was the most frustrating part of your day?”, “What do you look forward to doing tomorrow?” Offering these questions built some moments of stillness and discussion. I enjoyed their perspectives about their life and their world. Some perspectives were new and some all too familiar. Slowly but surely, every discussion is paving the way for those robust discussions I am hopeful for when they get older. Of course, there are times when we don’t meet eye to eye. Instead of digging deeper into the patience well, I stay present and begin looking at the details of the moment. What my son or daughter may be wearing, which words they are choosing, the way their feet may be moving and time slows down just enough for me to catch my breath, pause, and find the words. Words that will move the discussion forward without commentary of “not doing it right” or “being bad”. Being present also provides moments to be very specific on what “good job” truly means. Recognizing efforts and growth in detail is potent for my kids and for me. Taking the extra minute or two to get specific on an aspect you see as special, unique, or different puts a memorable energy into the air.

Another phrase comes to mind when I think of my dad. Before I had children, he said, “You know, you and your brother never asked to be here. Be sure when you have children, that you are ready because whoever arrives, they didn’t ask to be here.” Those words imprinted me with the privilege and honor he held as a parent. He looks at this responsibility as a gift. As his children have children, the gifts have multiplied for him. My dad’s sage advice over the years and The Conscious Parent are cornerstones to my parenting mindset. If there is a call to be a parent on my hero’s journey, these resources and my children are offering me moments to be present, to learn, to look, and to see myself growing into a parent that can tell great stories, run more, and be a kind and generous person.

If I can sum up some key lessons from these two cornerstones, it would be this:

The parent-child relationship is a shared journey where openness and mindfulness can offer lessons for both individuals.
Every challenge is a moment to learn something new.
Sometimes, being quiet and still leads to answers.
Be grateful for every moment.

Please go to elainedizon.com and check out my free September Workshop, “The Parent Wedge” which builds on a parent’s superpower as well as details on a book study I will facilitate in October for parents who have read The Conscious Parent. If you have any questions, thoughts, or feedback on this blog or my upcoming events, I look forward to hearing from you and learning more about your parenting journey.

Be well, be safe, and be loved.

Your Coach Mom,

Elaine