Improve your relationship with your kids with a more gentle approach

Photo by Joice Kelly on Unsplash — **Photo by** **Joice Kelly** on **Unsplash**

I was on LinkedIn recently, and a quote caught my attention. It said that the seven most expensive words in business are: "We've always done it this way."

As far as I can find, it's a variant of the quote attributed to Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper, who said, "Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, 'We've always done it this way.' I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise."

That quote got me thinking. I'd say the same concept applies in parenting too.

We keep using the same punitive parenting techniques generation after generation expecting obedient kids and peaceful homes. Yet, we seem more disconnected than ever before, and our relationships with our children are often contentious.

Spanking, yelling, demanding, time-outs, and punishments are all bids for control instead of connection, whether we realize it or not. These actions create fear and distrust within our children and break down family relationships.

Yet we keep using them, over and over and over, expecting positive behaviors and connected family relationships, every time.

Hmmm, what's the saying about the definition of insanity? It's doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results each time.

The Truth about Punitive Parenting

Did you know that in the U.S., we have increased mental illness rates, more prisoners than any other country, more people addicted to drugs, not to mention addiction to food, alcohol, and electronics, and more angry children than ever before?

I was in a school committee meeting last year and heard an alarming fact. The principal said the anger problem amongst students increases so much that they're continually looking for new ways to handle the issue.

I shook my head in disbelief and concern. Why are our children so angry? What is the reason behind the higher crime rates and addictive behaviors? Why are our children so addicted to their phones?

(Why are we, for that matter?)

I believe the problem is that we are so disconnected from each other that we seek a connection elsewhere, either through the internet, the use of drugs, alcohol, and food, and even through meaningless sexual relationships.

We also seek attention, even if it's negative, in any way that we can — even if that means breaking the law or, in the case of children, breaking house and school rules, or exhibiting "bad behavior."

But what if we stopped parenting the "way we've always done it" using fear and control?

What if we embraced a more effective, gentle approach that health and parenting experts are now saying is more effective in raising healthy, happy, thriving children who turn into healthy, happy, thriving adults?

What if we tried connecting with our children with loving, compassionate, relationship building techniques instead of yelling, punishment, and control?

What if we tried allowing our children to feel all the feelings that come naturally to them because they're human and then showed them how to manage them better?

What if we spoke to our children with respect and compassion with comforting, empathetic words such as:

"I'm listening."

"I'm here for you."

"How can I help?"

Why should our precious children be treated any differently than we treat our best friend, spouse, or family member when they're struggling? Our children might be little or not quite an adult, but that doesn't make them less than or undeserving of respect and compassion.

Our children are here to be loved, understood, and respected, not belittled, rejected, and minimized. Children become fearful, stressed, anxious, depressed, and angry, leading to harmful behaviors that scream, "I need help!"

Photo by Izzy Park on Unsplash — **Photo by** **Izzy Park** on **Unsplash**

When our children act out, are whiny, clingy, aggressive, or any number of actions we deem as "bad," there is typically an unmet need behind the behavior. Or maybe even an undiagnosed issue and one they can't control.

Too often, needs are unmet when parents continue the cycle of authoritarian parenting, which science and research are proving more and more is counterproductive and creates a continued hostile environment.

In this press release by the American Psychological Association* dated February 18, 2019, it states:

"Research indicates that physical discipline is not effective in achieving parents' long-term goals of decreasing aggressive and defiant behavior in children or of promoting regulated and socially competent behavior in children," states the Resolution on Physical Discipline of Children By Parents.

"The research on the adverse outcomes associated with physical discipline indicates that any perceived short-term benefits of physical discipline do not outweigh the detriments of this form of discipline."

What about punishments and rewards?

How do they fare in getting desired results versus fostering a real connection with your children?

In the article, Alternatives to Punishments and Rewards** by John Lasser, Ph.D. on PsychologyToday.com, Dr. Lasser states:

"Authoritarian parenting, which is usually described as 'high demands, low responsiveness,' is characterized by a controlling approach with little warmth.

This style may use rewards and punishments to control behavior, and such an approach seems to be effective from the perspective of many parents and teachers.

Unfortunately, for many kids, this approach is not only ineffective, but it may also be counterproductive."

If spanking, punishments and rewards, and other authoritarian styles have long-term harmful effects on our children, what can a parent do?

Photo by Ann Danilina on Unsplash — **Photo by** **Ann Danilina** on **Unsplash**

A Gentle Approach

Consider peaceful parenting alternatives such as conscious parenting, connected parenting, gentle parenting, or positive parenting, to name a few.

According to Dr. Lasser,

"Child development experts advocate for collaborative approaches to addressing some of the most challenging behaviors. When a child does something wrong, parents do not punish, but rather work with the child to better understand what happened and then develop better alternatives."

In our family, we've combined a little of all of the above into conscious, connected parenting, which is incredibly useful.

I've seen this collaborative parenting approach work with my seven-year-old twin grandsons with special needs, who used to have multiple meltdowns a day due to their emotional dysregulation disorders, sensory processing disorder, and autism.

When we began to connect with the boys before correcting them, validating their feelings, listening to understand and empathize with them and seek solutions together, we saw a world of improvement in their behaviors.

The meltdowns have since decreased.

The loving connection increased.

My stress level decreased, which all makes for more peace at home.

(You know the saying, if Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!)

Tips For a More Peaceful Home

We can't change everything overnight. But we can implement the changes we want to see in the next teachable moment. And then the next. And the next. There are certainly plenty!

Can you imagine a world where these healthier, happier, thriving children become thriving adults, engaged employees, and conscious, connected parents?

The future is indeed bright when we're willing to grow, change, and adapt from the way we've always parented, especially when it is no longer working, if it ever did at all.

How can you be a more conscious, connected parent?

Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., author, psychologist, and world-renown conscious parenting expert, says,

"… to parent effectively requires us to develop a deep connection with our children so that we address the feelings that drive a child's behavior instead of punishing. When we tackle the reason for the behavior, it automatically changes."

I'll add to this sentiment with the following tips for deeper connections and a more peaceful home life:

Respect your child by validating their feelings.
Understanding their behavior is not a reflection of you but a need to express itself the only way your child knows how to show it.
Show your child empathy in the moment and allow them the space they need to work through their anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, whatever feelings they are experiencing.
When you (and they) are calm, discuss ways to deal with the behavior in a more constructive, healthy way.

To learn more about conscious, connected parenting, better understand your child, and walk away with actionable tips and strategies towards a more peaceful home life, I invite you to book an introductory Find Your Calm session with me.

- Dawn

Dawn-Renée Rice is a writer, columnist, speaker, and Conscious Connection Parenting Coach. She works with parents in challenging situations to reduce stress, manage meltdowns and power struggles, navigate the special needs life, and find time for themselves.

She lives in the great state of Texas with her husband of 20-plus years. They have three adult children and six grandchildren under the age of seven. Together she and her husband are raising their twin grandsons with special needs. To book an introductory Find Your Calm Session, Me-Time Mapping Session, or a What's Next Roadmapping Session, click here.

Sources:

*Press Release, 2/28/2019, Resolution on Physical Discipline of Children By Parents

**Web article, 2/10/2018, Lasser, Jon Ph.D., Alternatives to Punishment and Rewards