How to Survive A Courageous Conversation By Elaine Dizon
Elaine Dizon is a Filipinx life and mindset coach, writer, mother of 2, and a recognized AT&T Business Cultural Champion. She supports busy nurturers who are grappling with time and who would like to nourish a joyously intentional life.
What do you think about when you think of the word courage? Is it a heroic act only reserved for a special few? Or is courage something you read about in the news or in history books? Courage shows up in many ways – big and small. Wikipedia defines courage as, “the choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.” I’ve discovered courageous acts are the ones that glimmer silently…which we don’t always make time or room to acknowledge; and yet, yield unexpected growth in our life’s journey. If you’ve been holding back – not knowing exactly how to say your peace, wanting to make what you want to say meaningful, or even working up the wherewithal to answer a question you’ve been wrestling with in your own mind – that’s a courageous conversation waiting to happen.
To appreciate the courageous conversations, I’ve skilled up towards having, I’ve had to review my fair share of disastrous ones.
Here are some highlights:
Who does more housework? (And no, it was never really about who does more housework!)
Winning the argument was the objective. Grievances are aired and shared but not an open forum for discussion. This conversation was really a diatribe of hurt, pain, and an inability to ask for what I really wanted – support.
You’re not the friend I need right now.
Relationship break ups seemed so much easier to deal with – but friendship break ups were much more difficult. Two break ups come to mind and in each one I never had a reply when a friend said, “You know, I’m not enjoying our time together anymore. I need a break.” And that was that. I left the conversation feeling dejected, rejected, and sad.
It is what it is.
I’ve had supervising managers who didn’t always know their people. Team discussions were always doled out at a team level and individuals weren’t always seen. Sometimes blanket messages don’t address the unique needs a person carries. Eventually, what impacts one person can also impact another person. I wish I had more courage when I was a direct report of dynamic and dominant bosses. Maybe I could have been a voice for the voiceless more often.
If you are ramping up to confront a discouraging or painful moment, pick a conversation that is addressing a mild hardship for practice. Building your skills and confidence in this capacity takes time. After a few hardy years of trial and error, here are my top three tips to get you through a courageous conversation with ease.
See the outcome you want out of the conversation.
Give yourself 10 to 20 minutes and brainstorm possible outcomes of the conversation. Conversations are a two-way street. We never know what the other party will say. Thinking about all the ways a conversation can go – the dreaded statements, the unexpected comments, the funny asides, the insights, the sweet moments, and the scary feedback – jot down notes, what you will say, what the other party might say. Sure, there is uncertainty. Offer yourself the time to role play different aspects of what you will say, what you might hear, and leave yourself room that you may not ever be 100% prepared, but you have given yourself some time TO PREPARE. Breathe as you do this…and BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. There are no wrong answers…just a selection of choose your own adventure chapters that may or may not play out.
State your why behind the conversation.
Given that there is an outcome you are hoping for out of this conversation, WHAT IS THE WHY BEHIND THIS CONVERSATION? Aligning this conversation to what is most meaningful to you will continue to orient you throughout the discussion. Are you looking for more time? Are you seeking to improve communications going forward? Are you reworking expectations? Are you seeking compensation of some sort? If the outcome provides you with more capacity or frees you up in some way to offer you more energy to invest in other areas of your life, then continue to be courageous in what you have to say. Make sure you also listen. To quote Winton Churchill, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
Shift into a collaborative spirit.
BE OPEN TO ALL POSSIBILITIES. This should be easy since you already role played quite a few in the beginning of this exercise. Imagine the other party has also done some of this work. If you’re willing to offer space to work together in a heroic fashion, then solutions will follow. Perhaps you will learn something new in the conversation – something you never knew before or anticipated. Interaction with purpose can lead to an energy flow and a free-flowing exchange of ideas. When you need a break from the conversation, ask for one. Maybe it’s five minutes, an hour, or even a day. Find a stopping point that works for both of you to reconvene and resume. If you do find a solution, acknowledge the mutual effort put forth by both parties, and celebrate the moment.
Following these steps has helped me define what is important – spending quality time with my family, circling back to my friends who broke up with me and resumed our friendship in a wholly different way, and volunteering for nonprofits to be of service for those with no voice.
Courageous conversations aren’t always the highlight of one’s day. However, with a little practice and a brave posture, they are the ones you remember over a lifetime.
Be well, be safe, and be loved.
Your Coach Mom,
Elaine
I have seven one on one coaching slots in my six-month container where you will discover clarity in what is most meaningful in your life right now, what fuels your growth, and how to move these things you envision into tangible outcomes and results you can see, hear, smell, touch, or taste. Perhaps it’s having the conversation you’ve been putting off or shifting your mindset from a fixed state towards a growth phase. If you’re ready to investigate what’s next, schedule a FREE 45-Minute Discovery Session, and we can have a courageous conversation together.
