Three Tips to Reconnecting with Friends After 20 Years by Elaine Dizon
Elaine Dizon is a life and mindset coach, writer, mother of 2, a recognized AT&T Business Cultural Champion, and a 2021 recipient of the AT&T Spark Award – the company’s highest honor for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion work bridging Tolerance to Understanding. She supports working moms with their next courageous conversation by reconnecting and advocating for what they would really like to say in personal and professional spaces.
“To have a friend is to be a friend.” A co-worker who became and remains a close friend shared this quote with me many years ago. She always took pride in her friendships because these relationships are not always given. Friendships are made over many moments of togetherness. With each experience trust builds, memories are forged, and various types of conversations happen over the course of many years. Since having children, many friendships went on pause. Thankfully, many friends understand the shift from partner to parent. What happens with a friendship that has been on pause for more than a year…say, twenty-years? Well, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being not so much and 10 being very much so), the awkward factor was an 11. Then one day, about a year ago, I decided to step into the awkward and be courageous to reconnect with my college roommate.
With my children getting older – going on 7 and 10 at the time, I felt time passing ever so quickly. Then it dawned on me, that a friendship I sorely missed has gone relatively radio silent for over twenty years. Sure, we exchanged the random texts or direct messaging on social media, but that near daily connection that existed when we were college roommates, I missed that closeness. I longed for the witty repartee that would ensue during shopping trips at the local grocery store. I found comfort in commiserating over homework, our shared immigrant life experiences, and military upbringing. Most of all, the unwavering level of understanding we had between one another. Even when I felt as if I was failing in life, I was winning in being present in a friendship. That belief carried me through some tough moments during college. As my children shared stories about their newfound friendships at school, I was wistful for that familiar feeling of a friend. I observed my children’s ability to speak to people at parks or on the computer screen during hybrid/remote learning, and it was always with a freshness, openness, and unattached feeling of possibility. This inspired me to reach out to my friend…albeit, with a tremendous amount of trepidation.
I spent quite a few days thinking about how to reconnect. Should I text? Should I call? Or how about a DM via Facebook or Instagram. When I landed on one communication stream, the chatter in my head started spewing, “How are you going to explain not contacting her sooner?” This thought kept me from reconnecting for many weeks. My mind vacillated between ducking out of the entire enterprise again or just doing it. The more I thought about another day passing without reaching out, was another day I kicked myself in the pants. I lost a great deal amount of time. Perhaps knowing where our friendship stood after all this time would alleviate the chatter. If we reconnect and get to know each other again, great. If we reconnect and we get a sense that our friendship had met a natural stopping point, then at least I know I tried. Once I realized that it was in the attempt of reconnecting, that was what made my heart light up – the friendship resuming would make the outreach even better; and well, if the friendship goes on indefinite pause, at least I asked.
Fortunately for me, my friend beat me at the DM game. I received a card via snail mail during these bouts of chatter. A card that had my favorite colors on it and her note reminded me why we got along so well. She was always that pragmatic force, the big sister voice of encouragement, and the gracious heart that understood that time may get away from us and it’s wholly ok. Once I read her words, I knew it was time to reach out. I direct messaged her on Facebook thanking her for the kind words and just like that, we resumed a conversation as if we just had it yesterday. We caught up quickly and made a commitment to get to know each other again every couple of weeks. And for the next ten months, we spoke every two weeks for at an hour and a half. We summarized highlights and lowlights while our friendship went on hiatus. I apologized for not reaching out sooner and explained my why; to which my friend said, “It ain’t no thang!” just like she would say when I forgot to do something in our apartment or ate the last of our favorite snack. I howled with laughter and I was resolved to see her…to meet up with her in person. I pitched it to her, and she accepted it as she does with most things, “Yeah, sure man.” I laughed until my belly ached again.
In March 2022, I made my way to Seattle to see her. Our bucket list included doing things our families wouldn’t wholeheartedly enjoy the way we would together. We went to restaurants that housed pungent or savory offerings like Musang and Din Tai Fung. We also ventured deep into our BTS Army love by attending a special Livestream of Permission to Dance Livestream at the movie theater. It was an amazing time. With each conversation in person, it punctuated all the conversations we had over the last year with such feeling and resonance. We didn’t spend too much time reminiscing. Instead, we learned about how we both grew over the years in our roles as partners, mothers, workers, and as women. The uncertainty, the pain, and the disappointment in things that happened to us as well as the hope, the joy, and the independence that still exists above and beyond the roles we are subscribed to by others. At the core, we are still the same two people who met all those years ago – goofballs/bookworms who love a good snack and a great laugh. To fall into the natural rhythm of our friendship in person is quite possibly one of the greatest experiences I’ve had in my life.
If you are at the precipice of reaching out or not reaching out to a friend, ask yourself what are you waiting for?
A perfect moment? Think: No time like the present.
The perfect opening? Think: A hello will do.
Feel like you got off on the wrong foot? Recommend: Own the awkwardness and ask for a “restart”
Important moments make our heart race. Take it in. It’s a great reminder that these are the moments we grow more into ourselves because it challenges us. It asks us to move past the awkward and to find the courage to reach out and touch someone.
If you are at this crossroads and would like support related to the dilemma: to call or not call, practice on me! Set up a virtual coffee chat on my Calendly or e-mail me elaine.a.dizon@outlook.com
Some friendships are too special to let go of without trying one more time.
It’s the attempt that matters most. Everything after is a growth edge.
I’m rooting for you.
Your Coach Mom,
Elaine
To learn more about Elaine and her Life and Mindset Coaching practice follow her on Instagram @yourcoachelaine.
