Oct 30

Oct 30 An Interview With Dawn-Renee Rice, Conscious Connection Parenting Coach

Today on The Mag we have Dawn-Renee Rice. Dawn is a Conscious Connection Parenting Coach, mother and grandmother to six, two of whom she is currently raising. Learn more about Dawn and her work as a parenting coach, what conscious and connected parenting means, the biggest differences for her in terms of parenting the second time around and much more!

We're so happy to talk with you! Can you start by telling us a little about yourself and how you started your work as a parenting coach?

Thank you for having me!

I'm a mother, grandmother, and Conscious Connection Parenting Coach helping parents in challenging situations reduce stress, meltdowns and power struggles without resorting to yelling, time outs and other punitive parenting techniques.

I've known for probably five years that I wanted to go into life coaching or something similar, but I wasn't sure in what way. I never seemed to have any clear direction.

I'd often find myself in an advisory role with every client I worked with as a content development specialist, eventually becoming a consultant.

Friends and family often turn to me for a non-judgmental ear and feel empowered by our conversations. I am an intuitive empath, and it is a gift that I can tune in to what someone needs, often without them saying anything or saying much at all.

I became a coach after I began raising my twin grandsons with special needs. That experience led me down the road to my purpose and passion, helping other families in similar challenging parenting situations.

How many kids do you have? What ages?

I have three adult children in their mid-to-late 20s and six grandchildren aged six and under (as of this interview).

Your focus is on conscious and connected parent coaching. Can you explain what conscious, connected parenting means?

Sure! There are many collaborative parenting styles to consider as an effective and alternative parenting style to authoritarian, punitive parenting. Conscious parenting and connected parenting resonated with me the most, so I've chosen them as my coaching practice foundation.

For me, conscious parenting means that you're aware of yourself, your feelings, emotions, and thoughts and how they affect your decisions as a parent.

It also means understanding that conscious parenting isn't quick-fix parenting. Yes, there are tools and strategies, but it's a journey of self.

It's a path to re-parenting yourself from the traumas and limiting beliefs put upon us since birth. We tend to subconsciously follow our parents' (or caregivers) ideas of life, love, career, and growth because they are our first and often only models in our early years.

Usually, we are not allowed to be ourselves or feel and express emotions in a healthy way. This leads to feeling unheard and misunderstood as we're growing up.

Instead, we internalize our negative feelings, which express outwardly as anxiety, depression, aggression, and other similar negative behaviors.

As a conscious parent, we seek to break the cycles of generational punitive parenting and the experiences that prevented us from knowing and expressing our true, authentic selves.

One of my favorite quotes is from Holocaust survivor, neurologist, and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who said, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

When you hear the baby crying, the kids fighting verbally or physically (or both), or a child whining, you have a choice to make. Are you going to rush in, fired up, and escalated, further escalating an already tense situation? Or are you going to stop and think, go into that "space" Frankl mentioned, and become aware of yourself?

Conscious parenting teaches you to calm yourself down first and then think about how you will react. That moment sets the stage for how the interaction will go, even for the rest of the day.

Connected parenting is a parenting style in which you react to and with your child positively, lovingly, even playfully in all of your interactions. You're also allowing your children to be human, feel all of the emotions humans feel, without judgment, shame, and guilt, and then teaching them how to manage and healthily express their feelings.

Do you know how when you get mad, you want to be left alone? Or when you're sad, you need a good cry, and then you feel better? Or when you've yelled at your spouse or partner in a stressful moment, then regretted it later? Children do the same. Yet, we expect them to be perfect and never have these icky feelings or negative behaviors.

From the moment your child is awake until they go to bed, the goal is to create ways to connect with him or her in a loving, non-judgmental way. That lets them know that no matter what choices they make, you love them, you're there for them, and they can trust you as their safe space.

It doesn't mean we condone and accept misbehavior or bad choices. Connected parenting signifies that your kids know when they make a mistake, they can seek you as their "coach" to guide them through the rough times, and teach them to do things differently and better the next time.

What are the biggest misconceptions you see when you work with parents on conscious, connected parenting?

That it's permissive and the child is getting by with misbehaving or that they're manipulative. It doesn't mean you allow for misbehavior to go unchecked.

The thing is, children "misbehave" because there is an unmet need. When we meet the need, usually, the problem will resolve. All behavior is communication, even misbehavior.

Children who aren't old enough to be verbal, have special needs, are permanently non-verbal, are developmentally delayed, or lacking in specific emotional skillsets express their emotions in what we typically label as "bad" or "misbehavior."

I work with parents to help them see past their child's behavior to the reason behind it, plus explore why the parent is triggered in the first place.

Parents often come to me, thinking they need a quick fix for their child when, in reality, we have to work on what's triggering them about their child's behavior. Therein lies the key to unlocking the clues to a more peaceful parenting life, and raising emotionally intelligent and mentally healthy children into adulthood.

A few years ago, you went through a major life change from being an empty nester to a second-time parent, and you are now raising your oldest grandkids, who are twins with special needs. What was this adjustment like, and what are your tips for other people who are in similar situations?

Oh boy, I could write a book about that experience! (And I probably will!) Raising my grandsons is the most challenging experience of my entire life, and I've been through quite a few.

I had to suddenly and overnight start raising my grandsons the week of my 41st birthday, just as I was about to start taking my content development business to the next level. I honestly had no idea what to expect. I just knew the boys and my daughter needed me.

So I gave up everything I'd worked for--an award-winning content development career and business, freedom, an empty nest, and quality time with my husband and our other grandchildren. I spent every day with the boys for a year-and-a-half, rising around 5 a.m. and not going to sleep well past 9 p.m.

They didn't nap, they were always on the go and into everything, and I was in complete shock and crisis mode. Looking back, I remember feeling as if I was in the middle of a tornado, just hurling me around.

And yes, many moms reading this may think, "Okay, you're not telling me anything I don't experience myself either. That's just being a mom." Yes, it is, however, I'd already been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and thought I was done with parenting.

It was a massive shock to my system in every way imaginable, including mentally. I'm an introvert by nature, who thrives on large amounts of alone time and the ability to recharge. There was no recharging around these guys!

I had my first breakdown three weeks almost to the day taking them on. I'll never forget it. I had to get ready for a doctor's appointment, and I was in the bathroom. I suddenly and without warning broke into huge, wracking sobs.

If you've ever taken a shower and tried to wash your hair while your body is doubling over with wracking sobs, it's not fun. For probably the first six months, I'd break down anywhere from 10-15 times a day, right along with them because they were also highly emotional and dysregulated when we got them.

I'd often end up on the kitchen floor or in the hallway, suddenly overwhelmed by the responsibilities, noise, grief, anger, and resentment of my situation, sobbing my eyes out. At the same time, two sweet little guys hugged and loved on me. I wasn't coping well at all for a long time. It became a celebration for me to make it to the next minute each day.

Not only was it a new situation, raising my grandchildren and all the feelings and emotions that go along with that, it also meant looking differently at how we were parenting.

When I raised my children into adulthood, we used authoritarian, punitive parenting (yelling, punishments, time outs) because it was all I knew, but it always felt "wrong."

When I started raising my grandsons three years ago, they were three-and-a-half and highly emotional and dysregulated. I didn't even know those terms at the time. I just knew something wasn't right, and it was beyond what I remembered dealing with when I raised kids the first time.

As we moved forward in parenting them, we discovered that authoritarian parenting wasn't adequate for them and their needs. And their needs are significant.

After many tests and evaluations, we discovered that one twin is autistic, and his brother has a mood disorder called Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD). They both have Tourette's Syndrome, severe ADHD, sensory processing disorder, depression, and anxiety. These are special needs that professionals go to school for training. We had none.

I dove into the research around how to handle this plethora of needs. We implemented strategies, tools, and techniques on collaborative parenting styles found on the internet, through books and resources, and recommendations from the boys' psychologist, therapists, and counselors.

We started with the boys being 90-95% emotionally dysregulated, leading to 10-20 meltdowns a day between the two of them. Three years later, through a lot of hard work, patience, perseverance, and consistency, they are now 90-95% emotionally regulated.

We do have to manage their ADHD with daily medicine, but it was a last resort. The emotional regulation was much better, but the extreme hyperactivity was still too overwhelming for them and us.

Through this experience, I went on a heart and mind journey, which led me to conscious, connected parenting. You're marrying the two together, not just working with one or the other but both.

We went through a process, realizing the traditional parenting style of authoritarian parenting uses fear and control instead of love and compassion. It made a lot of sense why we had issues with our kids when we raised them with punitive parenting techniques.

With our grandsons, we learned all emotions are okay, and it's essential to help them learn how to manage their emotions. We learned to calm ourselves first, listen to the boys, hear their concerns, meet their needs, and correct behaviors when they are calm.

But how do you do that when you are emotionally dysregulated too? How do you change 40 and 50+ years of traditional parenting, "overnight?" That was my lesson in this experience, learning to step into that space between the stimulus and response and recognize the importance of calming myself first before reacting.

When I couldn't do that regularly and was triggered frequently, no matter how many mindful practices I used, I discovered I have a medical condition that prevents me from fully regulating myself. I've dealt with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) since my 20s with no relief.

Add in perimenopause, and well, I've been a raging, hormonal, crying wreck with severe depression for a week once a month. It was hell for everyone.

It's only because of raising the boys and researching how the autistic brain works, and how the DMDD brain works, that I put two-and-two together. I'm dealing with more than a hormonal issue.

PMDD is classified as a temporary mental issue on the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5), bordering on premenstrual psychosis for me. The condition is temporary because it's only during a specific time of the menstrual cycle, not daily.

Once I got my hormones regulated through a separate program called bio-identical hormones, and started a low dose antidepressant to help with that one week a month, I'm a different person.

I believe in sharing and being authentic about our situation, all of it, even my hormonal issues, because there's a mom out there somewhere thinking she's crazy, she's a failure, she's worthless and can't control herself.

I'm here to tell you that no, you're not crazy, you're not a failure, you're not worthless, and sometimes you can't physiologically control yourself. Get help! There's no shame in it. If you’re having chest pains, or stomach issues, or high blood pressure you’d get help. Why not for your mental and hormonal health?

Through this years-long journey, I discovered so many other parents, caregivers, and grandparents raising grandchildren who were equally struggling and as frustrated as I was the first two years.

They were like me, not knowing what to do or where to turn, and needing direction and guidance to a parenting style that helped them learn to be calmer, create a deeper connection with their kids, and have a more peaceful home life.

The light bulb moment for me deciding to become a parenting coach was only recently, around December 2019. I'd finally felt in control of myself, accepting my situation, and the boys are doing exceptionally well.

What are the biggest differences for you in terms of parenting the second time around?

The most significant difference is that I'm parenting from a place of conscious awareness and loving compassion. I was an angry, controlling, resentful mom the first time around, reacting to everything as a threat to my success as a "good mom." They must comply, they must obey, no matter what. I didn't listen to my kids and allow them to express themselves or have a voice. This time I do, and what a difference it makes!

What are your three favorite parent-related small businesses?

Generation Mindful, www.genmindful.com

Anything else you'd like to add?

I want to leave parents with this thought: If they keep doing the same things, nothing is improving, and in fact, it's getting worse, to consider an alternative option like conscious connected parenting.

What do you have to lose if nothing has worked this far? Instead of thinking about what could go wrong, believe things can finally go right.

Lastly, work on calming down before reacting, then react from a place of love and compassion instead of fear and control.

And finally, where can we find you?