Only 7 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant… again. Seeing those two positive lines was more of a shock than the first time. Up until recently, I didn’t even know if I wanted more than one kid, let alone become pregnant before Mia turned 2. I was three days late and though that may not seem like anything to worry about, I am a period clock. Since I was 13 (other than when I was pregnant with Mia), I’ve never been late. When Callie & I started hanging almost daily, our cycles sync’d up, as good friends do, and it became habit for me text her to let her know her period was coming too… but not this month. Hers came and the lack of mine woke me up in a sweat one morning. I quickly asked if my husband would go buy me a pack of tests. He laughed and asked why? And then I quickly saw the blood drain from his face as he turned, shouted, “WHAT BRAND?!” and practically ran to the drugstore with his face mask and gloves on.

I felt a rollercoaster of emotions in the days after I found out. First, confusion. Second, guilt. Third, an overwhelming sadness. Fourth, anxiety. Fifth, love and joy. But those last emotions didn’t hit until I asked for support. I made it explicitly clear to my husband that I needed to see and feel his support and excitement, which wasn’t difficult because he was really happy. He always wanted to have two kids. I then told Callie, my best friend back in Toronto, my immediate family and a tight-knit group of mom friends, because I knew they were going to help me process the news in their own ways. I get why people wait to say anything, and why others don’t even say anything until the baby is born. Privacy is incredibly important, as is choice. But for me, I need the people closest to me to know. And if anything were to happen whether good, bad, scary or sad, I’d want them to know that too. I’m a ‘sharing is caring’ kinda person.

So I peed on the sticks (all three of them) and I called up the OBGYN department at Kaiser Permanente. They scheduled an in-take appointment, which would usually be done in person, over the phone. We talked for about an hour going over medical history etc. and went as far as to discuss if a VBAC would even be possible for me as Mia was breached and I had a c-section for both of our safety. She said chances would be good for me and that particular hospital does a lot of them. That was reassuring. She also said I shouldn’t jump too far ahead because I wouldn’t face that decision until at least 7 months. She booked the rest of my appointments for the next two months over the phone - and that’s when it hit me. I just booked a bunch of medical appointments in the midst of a global pandemic. And then the anxiety set back in.

My first appt came quickly. I went in to do my bloodwork and sat around for a 1-hr glucose test at the Kaiser facility in Hollywood. I was stopped at the door by two nurses and a security guard, all in full PPE, as they took my temperature. I was given a sticker and the okay to proceed to the check-in desk. Other than a handful of staff and a couple of very spread out patients, it was pretty much a ghost town in there (which honestly made me more at ease). I looked out the window to distract myself… damn amazing views of the Hollywood hills! PRO-TIP: I wore two layers of clothing, had my mask and gloves on. I stripped at the car and threw the top layer of clothes into a plastic bag that I stored in the trunk.

I decided I wanted to try a different app this time. Something that didn’t compare fetuses to fruit - I found the Pregnancy+ app. It has daily pregnancy info, color and scan images, a place to keep a personal diary, doc visits log, a kick counter, realistic and interactive weekly images, contraction timer, baby shopping list, baby names and more. Mia has become completely obsessed with the idea that there is baby hiding in my tummy. It’s actually really helped to make me feel excited to become a family of four. She lifts up my shirt, pats my tummy and coos for the baby. And since she hasn’t been in daycare for a couple of months, she has a rotates the things she wants to do which includes “mamastay” aka Cosmic Kids Yoga, books, Peppa, Mia (which means dancing to hip hop dance videos on youtube set to the Bad Bunny ft. Drake song) and “BABY” – she loves to open up the app and spin the baby visualizer around. It emits a soothing heartbeat that she loves!

When I got to 8 weeks, it was time for my first ultrasound. This time I went a much larger medical office than the first which was nerve-wracking. Two layers of clothing, mask and gloves on. I went in. My heart was pounding, not just because of the fear of COVID but because I was really anxious and excited to see the baby on the screen. Just like last time, my husband and daughter had to stay in the parking lot. What a weird but memorable moment it was to Facetime my husband and little girl, to show them our baby for the first time and have them hear its thumping heartbeat over the phone. Even through a screen, the moment was truly incredible.

And here we are. Mother’s Day has just passed and I just completed my first trimester in my second unplanned pregnancy… all whilst under quarantine. What a trippy time it is. Many more diary entries to come.