In honor of Christianne’s maternity leave we asked some our favorite people to share stories from "the fourth trimester," the period between birth and 12 weeks postpartum during which your baby (or the baby you care for) is adjusting to the world and you're adjusting to your baby). Today Jessica Reña, founder of Mamas in Color, talks about finding her voice during the postpartum time.

It was really difficult writing this because, my daughter is 15 months now and postpartum seems so far in my rearview mirror, even though it really isn’t. It’s such a fog sometimes it feels like it’s never going to be over and then you blink and you’re already almost two years in.

Before my daughter was born, I did an insane amount of research on what I wanted my birth and postpartum period to look like. I picked the perfect birth team, so I could have my dream home birth and everything went exactly as I had hoped. My husband and I took a postpartum class, so we were aware of what different kinds of normal postpartum could look like and what was considered not so normal. I felt like I was prepared for the fourth trimester – I set my toolbox up for success. I had my bengkunk bind to ward off diastasis recti and my doula would come over and wrap me for a few days, then my husband would bind me after that. I had my placenta encapsulated to ward off PPD/PPA. I had my family fly in, they cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, walked and fed our dogs. It was such a relief to have the extra set of love and hands surrounding us. This only lasted the first week after our daughter was born and I was still riding the high of having such a beautiful birth with the love of my life.

Things started to change when everyone finally left. It was just us in our huge house with our little baby and such big feelings. It all felt so empty and yet, so full. Prior to having our daughter, I had never really been in tune with my emotional self. I spent a large portion of my 3rd trimester, trying to get emotionally sound and be more in touch with the softer side of myself so I would be able to offer that to our daughter. I’d spent so much time filling my toolbox with things to help me physically that I didn’t prepare enough emotionally. I didn’t realize how vulnerable postpartum could make you feel. I wasn’t aware that I would need my husband so much. I wasn’t prepared for the reality of being completely vulnerable and essentially helpless – I knew going into birth that I would be surrendering to my body and allowing my body to have control. But, with this it was completely different. I needed him and his support so much and being the person I am, so used to being independent, it was a weird space for me to be in. I didn’t actually prepare for the shift in our relationship. He was amazing, just as he was during the birth but it was a different shift. You know when you take your vows and they say the whole “through sickness and in health, richer or for poorer”? You say those things but I don’t know if we ever really pay attention to what they mean. Postpartum was like “through bloody depends and my husband hand-expressing milk into a haaka while I cried on him because my breasts were so engorged due to an incorrect latch.” Postpartum for me was a vulnerability I never knew I had. Postpartum helped me allow myself to be more visible. Postpartum pushed me to ask for help, instead of constantly trying to be superwoman. Postpartum shifted the paradigm in my marriage. Postpartum forced me to look at parts of myself that I didn’t know needed to be healed. Postpartum helped me find my voice.