It’s been a tough number of days since the murders of Xiaojie “Emily” Tan, Daoyou Feng, Suncha Kim, Soon Chung Park, Yong Ae Yue, Delaina Ashley Yaun, Hyun Jung Grant and Paul Andre Michels in Atlanta.

A number of people have asked me how I’m feeling and to be frank, I am confused and I’m not sure what or how to feel. I’m not even sure if I deserve to feel scared which is not easy for me to admit because I know myself to be a strong Asian woman and hope I am raising aware biracial daughters… but the recent murders, epic rise of hatred against the Asian community on top of the constant movement against oppression and racism, the BLM movement and the fight for equality for women and underserved communities, homelessness, climate change… everything has overloaded my brain and I feel the freeze trauma going into action.

MiLOWE is a 50% Asian-owned and 100% Mom-owned small business. We have to say something about hate crimes that affect us as people and as parents… but the words of hope and strength are hard to find right now. I’m sad and feeling defeated. Not the typically strong, proud, loud person I am in the face of oppression. It’s all hitting so close to home and I am tired.

When I left the house this past week with my little girls during the day in the predominantly Asian and Hispanic community we live in, in LA, I wondered - are we supposed to look over our shoulders more? Wonder if people hate us? Think that we in some way were responsible for COVID? That because we’re women, especially Asian women, that we deserve… to die? I’m overwhelmed. I don’t have an answer. I’m pretty sure that everything I’ve written here makes no sense and that it’s just ramblings but truly this confusing post reflects how scrambled my brain is right now and how little time I’ve had to process it all. I haven’t processed anything. I’m shocked. As a mom, I’m scared. As a woman, I’m scared. As a human being, I’m scared for us all. But as a person with complex PTSD, I compartmentalize and forge on through another day of watching Disney movies, working, writing, feeding and cleaning my girls, loving my family, appreciating this life, wondering a lot about a lot of things and taking a moment to say the names of Xiaojie “Emily” Tan, Daoyou Feng, Suncha Kim, Soon Chung Park, Yong Ae Yue, Delaina Ashley Yaun, Hyun Jung Grant and Paul Andre Michels.

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Here are some excellent resources pulled together from Entrepinayship.com:

Mental Health Resources:
Asian American Psychological Association (AAPA): is an organization dedicated to helping mental health in Asian American communities through research, education, professional practice and policy founded in 1972. AAPA created a list of resources during the COVID-19 pandemic on everything from self-care to racism to caregiving and more.
National Asian American Pacific Islander Mental Health Association: the organization helps promote mental health and wellness for AAPI communities through resources, training, and awareness. It also has a directory of service providers across all 50 states including New York.
Asian Mental Health Collective: the organization helps raise awareness about mental health care, contains a list of Asian therapists both in the U.S. and in Canada and an organization directory.
Inclusive Therapists: A social justice movement and directory founded to expand mental and behavioral health care to all communities, founded by licensed therapist Melody Li. People interested can search for a therapist by insurance, specialties, identity and more.
Asians Do Therapy: is an organization dedicated to reducing stigma and increase access to therapy for AAPIs started by licensed therapist Yin J. Li. The site highlights how to navigate getting started finding a therapist, resources as well as sharing the stories of others in therapy. The podcast of the same name highlights different aspects of therapy with guests ranging from thriving with Bipolar Disorder to healing from racism.

Self-Education Resources:
PBS - Violence Against Asian Americans
PBS - The Long History of Racism Against Asian Americans
MSNBC - Racism, sexism must be considered in Atlanta case involving killing of six Asian women, experts say
Reading - Migrants for Export (PH history of migration and economic policy)
Reading - Empire of Care (History of PH labor and migration policy)
Reading - Colonial Pathologies (abstract below)

"In the early 20th century, American officials in the Philippines, then a formal colony of the U.S., denigrated Filipinos for their supposedly unclean and uncivilized bodies. Colonial officers and doctors identified two enemies: Filipino insurgents against American rule, and 'tropical diseases' festering in native bodies. By pointing to Filipinos’ political and medical unruliness, these officials justified continued U.S. colonial rule in the islands."