Ok, in this year 2020 we have been bombarded with crisis after crisis and though I try my best to be inclusive to all genders and life stages… us moms have gotten the short end of every stick imaginable. With how much I have been struggling sitting on my massive pile of privilege as someone who A. was already homeschooling on purpose before this, B. was already running my own business from home, and C. has honestly had a really easy time being eligible for and getting what limited assistance the government offered in a timely manner. I can not even begin to pretend I know the depths of how everyone outside of that experience is feeling right now. It’s a lot, and it’s ok if you’re not moving at 100% (or even 50%). Nor can I offer a prescriptive solution to solve the very 2020 problems that we’re all dealing with.

But what I can offer that I hope can be taken as an encouragement rather than added emotional labor is that self-care is critical if we’re going to shoulder the immense weight that’s been heaped upon us. And I’m not talking about bubble baths and online shopping. I’m talking about deeper, more serious side of self care where we admit that we, moms, are in fact our own human beings with our own flaws, weaknesses, and needs.

Like the saying goes. you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Jewelry Designer / Homeschoolin’ Mama @victoriaannmeyers

And again, I’m only able to offer descriptive self-care solutions rather than prescriptive self-care solutions because I’m operating from my own specific experience as: a single mom (no partner to split labor with, but I do get a couple kid-free weekends a month), that’s self employed (lost a big chunk of my income to Covid but had a very easy time with unemployment and have the flexibility to tailor my work to my day), was already homeschooling (I’m not on anyone else’s distance education schedule but also I’m on my own for planning and making sure school happens), and lives in an apartment in the suburbs (no outside space for the kids to play but also lots of local family and non-crowded outdoor spaces available). I think it’s important to offer this context because I want to be real that we’re all fighting our own battles and every end of every spectrum has it’s own pros and cons and I truly do not think there’s anyone that has it “easy” right now.

But all that to say, I do think there’s value in sharing what’s worked for me in this difficult season in the hopes that it might help someone else:

1. Wake up before your kids

Ok I know everyone hates the person that says “wake up earlier” to a tired person and this advice one thousand percent does not apply to parents of babies or toddlers that do not have a predictable sleep schedule. BUT. If you know your kids wake up at a certain time, and you wake up BEFORE that time, even if it’s just 15-30 minutes for you to check your phone and brush your teeth (or longer so you can journal and exercise) it allows you to start the day with ACTION rather than REACTION which is just a GAME CHANGER in mindset and productivity and no matter what the rest of the day brings you know you already got that short window of solitude.

2. Put on real clothes, and sleep in real pajamas

I’m really talking to myself with this one but at the beginning of the year I read TWO books that had SECTIONS about how wearing daytime clothes in the day and real pajamas to bed let’s your subconscious know what’s up and then you have less mental resistance to work or sleep, respectively. I’m very bad at remembering to do this every day, but let me tell you the days I remember IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

3. Prioritize movement

Look we all know that movement is a key part of mental and physical health and I totally 100% know that this will look different for every single family, but look at your daily/weekly rhythms and see if theres a way to work (regular, gentle, enjoyable) movement in there. Is a pre- or post- nap walk something you could do? Weekly hike? Morning cardio? Nightly yoga? I know that I’ve always made exercise into a big THING so I didn’t have to do it but… finding something simple and enjoyable is a really nice way to take care of yourself (and model that for your kids!)

4. Drink your damn coffee hot

Or your tea cold, whatever it is you do to make yourself feel nice, ENJOY IT and don’t feel any guilt about it. Your kids will not be scarred for life because you took five minutes to enjoy your coffee. Trust me. (Do respond to emergencies though).

5. Meet your basic needs first

On a related note, whether you’re tired or hungry or sticky or thirsty or hot or your shirt is itchy or you need a shower PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY TAKE CARE OF THAT IMMEDIATELY AND THEN MOVE ON TO THE NEEDS OF YOUR PEOPLE. Like I said, you can’t pour from an empty cup and putting yourself last when it comes to BASIC SURVIVAL NEEDS just makes everyone stressed and unhappy. Yes, this goes against everything our current mom-culture is about and feels weird and wrong when you start doing it but one day you’ll be able to say “I’ll get you more seconds of dinner after I finish my firsts” and your kid will say “ok” and everything will be fine.

6. Boundaries

Boundaries is a tough topic because everybody’s are different and women and moms in particular seem to be discouraged from having/voicing them. Do it anyway. Lock the bathroom door so you can pee alone (let your kids know they’re safe and you’ll be there in a minute), communicate that you are not available during certain work activities and your spouse/kids will have to either wait or find a different solution. (Kindly) express when you are touched-out and need a minute to yourself. I don’t know if it’s just the internalized misogyny form my evangelical upbringing but IT IS OK TO HAVE BOUNDARIES.

7. Give your kids responsibilities

This is another one that doesn’t apply for moms of babies and toddlers, BUT. If there are jobs in your house that your kids are capable of doing, teach them how and teach them that that is no longer something that can be on your plate. I’m going to be honest I’m maybe a little tiny bit uptight and did not instill this in my oldest until recently and YES I have to bite my perfectionist tongue a lot but also I haven’t cleaned the cat box or vacuumed in months.

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8. Apologize when you mess up

Ok maybe this is just something I picked up from my mildly traumatic childhood, but KIDS NEED TO KNOW THAT ADULTS MAKE MISTAKES TOO AND THATS OK. Times are HARD. You’re going to forget things or yell or yell because somebody forgot things and theres really nothing you can do but apologize, talk about it, and move on. I truly think we do a disservice to our kids when we put it upon ourselves to present as all-knowing or always-right and really that’s so much pressure and guilt that none of us should carry.

9. Admit you can’t do it all and then don’t

I’m being 100% serious here. No one every WAS able to do it all in the before times even if they tried or made it look like they could, and what’s being expected of us parents now is literally not even possible. I’m going to say this again: It is literally not at all even a tiny bit possible to have a full time job, be a full time educator, AND be a full time involved parent AND MAINTAIN A CLEAN HOUSE. Maybe sit down (with your spouse and any kids old enough to participate) and evaluate what its the MINIMUM STANDARD for chores and meals school for your your family and lower the bar to that. Maybe delegate specific tasks to your spouse/kids or, in my case because it’s just me, hire someone to do the things that you can’t get to on your own.

10. Remind yourself and your spouse/kids/boss/whoever that you are a finite human being that deserves patience, respect, rest, and the space to meet their own basic needs without feeling guilty.

Look, I don’t know which of these areas (if any) you’ll find helpful but the most important one is that IT. IS. NOT. BAD. TO. TAKE. CARE. OF. YOURSELF. Just keep saying this to yourself and anyone else who will listen until you believe it. Until EVERYONE believes it.

- Victoria aka Homegrown Homeschooler