Our Year Unleashed: A Single Mom Moving Through Trauma

Sometimes, when things aren't going as planned, you need to do something drastic to change the trajectory of life. But what we needed was not just a decor makeover or a hairstyle change. We needed something much bigger to shake the train right off the tracks. After all, if you keep doing the same things, then you are pretty likely to get the same results.

My name is Heidi and I am a single Mom living in Toronto with my 17 year old son Wes. I recently made a drastic decision to quit my corporate media sales job, yank my son out of his final year of high school and spend a year together. This is our story.

I didn't just wake up one day and decide I was bored or unhappy or  driven to travel. COVID doesn't really invite this kind of plan. In fact, there was no plan. I made the decision to spend a year together after being through a series of difficulties I can only describe as relentless personal hell.

The first blow was when I had to sell our beloved family home to downsize to something more financially manageable. Shortly after that, my long-term boyfriend - with whom I expected to grow old - ended our relationship in a harsh, unceremonious, hurtful way, and I didn't see it coming. And then, by far the hardest and the worst: my son’s Dad, my ex-husband who I had been married to for 18 years, passed away suddenly, the day before Wesley's 17th birthday. It was traumatic in so many ways. I am the one who found his body. And after a heinous, police interrogation about my role in finding him I drove home alone and I broke the tragic news to my son. He had been calling and texting non stop for hours begging me for any updates which I could not answer over a phone. And we were not alright. We are still not alright.

I went back to work because you are expected to jump back into the real world and pretend nothing happened. It's inhumane. I tried to give Wes space, encouragement and support. I’m a strong, capable person who can power through most things. But, this time, I just couldn't do it anymore. Everything in my life was suffering and I wasn’t able to give enough to my son, my job or myself. Nothing was going well and it was not getting better. Then, I fell very sick for six weeks and that was the last straw. I was broken. So, after struggling for five months, I took a week long summer cottage vacation with Wes and my mom and when I got back I decided to simply stop. To stop working. To stop struggling. To cancel the whole hamster wheel of nonsense and get off the freeway of life we were on. It was enough. It was too much. I was done.

I was scared to quit. It was an impulsive decision which I actively tried not to overthink. It felt irresponsible but I did it anyways. Was that my ADHD in action or do I know myself well enough to know that being impulsive was the way through my fear? This is not a true sabbatical. My job is not being held for me. It was the scariest thing to jump out of full time employment as the single income earner living in a big, expensive city. I worked for a very small media sales firm and I felt guilty leaving an excellent role working with great people. My biggest fear was not being able to get back into the field after my gap year. At 48, I am older than this young industry generally prefers and I was expensive. I'm worried how this will impact my future income level. I am worried I threw away a good thing that I will never get back. I am worried about being really broke. When I resigned, I didn't have anything planned for the year off except to spend time with my son - who I knew needed me - and to travel. The only rough preparation I did before quitting was putting together a list of my monthly expenses and the cost to carry my home and life vs. the bank balance I had. I gave six weeks notice to help transition which gave me space to start thinking about how I would like to use this time while I wrapped up work, but I was so busy wrapping up that I didn't do any forward planning. Normal me would have had everything neatly planned and in an excel spreadsheet well before quitting my job. I really just threw in the towel and walked away. Do I think I will go back to the media industry after all this? Some days it’s a “hell yes”; I am good at my work and love the people who work in media. It’s a fun industry and I am connected there. But others days it's a “hell no” and I watch other entrepreneurs and travellers and try to decode the magic sauce to monetize life in new ways that are less stressful and more rewarding. That would be so nice; if only it could pay the bills. The truth is I have no idea what will come next and I don't want to use my time away fretting about that.

I am sure if I analyzed too long and really dug into the numbers I would have chickened out, but continuing on wasn't a realistic option, so I decided to make the leap and then told my mom and Wes. The early discussions with Wes were hard. He was shocked. I felt badly that I had not consulted him and came up with a dream scenario with him in it without his buy-in. And guess what? He didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to take this year off. He didn’t want to fall more behind at school. He didn’t want to launch into an alternate life that we hadn’t ever discussed or planned. He didn't want me to not have an income and to spend everything I had. He supported me taking time for myself but saw it as something that only I needed and not him. And so we talked. I explained that this was the only time in my life that I would have this opportunity to spend time with him like this. I explained that once he was done school and had a job and his own busy adult life, he wouldn't have the flexibility to take this time. I explained that school would always be there to go back to but that time together would vanish. And eventually, he agreed to join me - probably more out of guilt and fear of missing out, a tool which I had applied liberally, than a passion to travel or to be free or to spend time with his mom. He didn’t really want this at all. Now that we are in it, I know his point of view has changed. He does appreciate the time and travel and opportunity, and he knows he would regret not going on these adventures together. He is excited about what's next. We are making happy memories. He is having fun again.

I am not homeschooling; maybe we’re out-schooling or even un-schooling. I don't even know what to call it. It’s a gap year. We are not following any curriculum. There will be no homework, no tests and no credits earned. We are learning organically as we go through a series of trips and trying new things. It is the school of life. I believe there is a huge opportunity for my son and I to build knowledge, confidence, resiliency out in the real world and that our time together right now is the most valuable and important thing I can give him. My goal is for us to become closer and have a much deeper connection by the end of the year. Teenage years are often the opposite of that, but I need to make that happen. He needs to feel that he is the most important thing in my life and I have not done a great job of that up until now. Because of work.  Because of life. And now I am trying to make up for lost time and working on it from the foundation up.

So, with PTSD and ADHD and grief along with us, we are underway on a journey that will change our lives forever in a real and concrete way. It is drastic and amazing and a privilege for which I am thankful. I also recognize that this never ever would have become reality if it were not for the specific hardships we endured, and while I would not wish our struggles on anyone, I am thankful that we are turning this mess into an opportunity of a lifetime. Life is short, and we're going to make the most of this time right now in a pandemic that won’t hold us back. We are unleashed.

I invite you to follow our day to day journey on @ouryearunleashed on Instagram or FB and read more about our experiences, reviews and reflections on www.ouryearunleashed.com where we are documenting this time and hope to inspire other families, struggling or not, to consider doing the same.

I invite you to connect, cheer us on, ask us any questions or share your travel tips.

-Heidi