For this month’s Messy Pics from The Mama’s Heart series, I spent some time with Silvi to find out how she navigated the pain of separation, how she found beauty in the ashes.

“I prayed daily that my love for my kids will be stronger than my woundedness, and that I’d always choose harmony in our separated family over my ego and pain… I’m finally in love with myself, and proud of having chosen integrity and grace over destruction and vengefulness.”

What was it like when you first separated?

Silvi: When we first separated, I felt hit by waves of grief, shock and deep pain. I wanted to escape, to not have to face this consciously, but knew I had to be strong for my kids. I felt my world as I knew it had burned down to ashes. I had self-doubt that I could ever recover from the trauma of divorce and make it on my own after 13 years of marriage to whom I thought was my partner for life, my best friend. I thought I’d never be okay again. The biggest pain was to see my little ones cry about mommy and daddy not being together anymore. Their tears broke my heart. It took everything in me to be present for them when I felt like breaking.

How did you get through the despair and find your way back?

Silvi: Managing this new dynamic was very challenging in the beginning. The loneliness after the kids went to bed was hard. I turned to a new faith and support from other women. I went to support groups to share my feelings, and to be comforted and understood. My daily prayer was the St. Francis prayer: Let me be a channel of your peace. Where there is discord, let me bring harmony-- since I had discord in my family, I needed to be the harmony maker. Let me seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted-- I needed to comfort my kids. Let me seek to love, rather than to be loved. That one was important because my husband was the source of love for me. Since that was taken away after we separated, I was left having to give love more than I was receiving. I prayed daily that my love for my kids would be stronger than my woundedness, that I'd always choose harmony in our separated family over my ego and pain.

I also learned to ask for help, reaching out to other people and my girlfriends. That gave me love, hope, and nourishment. I had to be very intentional with my choices-- not caving into destructive emotions like raging in sorrow or anger (while still healthily processing those feelings.) I set my intentions on acting in alignment with love, on choosing thoughts and actions that would create the most love and harmony, and the least amount of pain for my kids.

This was not easy. I had to silence my pride, my anger and my resentment for the sake of sparing the kids a life with parents who were fighting each other. The desire for them to not be traumatized by our break up was stronger than my pride. But it was hard. So much of me wanted to run away, to escape and heal my wounds and grief. I didn’t want to function and be stable for my kids. But that wasn’t an option. For my kids’ sake -- and for my own -- I had to choose love and forgiveness. I had to be the harmony maker.

What’s been the biggest key to your healing?

Silvi: Faith, support from my best friend, building community with new friends I’d made in the new side of town I’d moved to after the separation, processing my feelings openly, daily writing/ journaling, and painting have been the greatest key to me finding a new equilibrium and joy. I found joy as a result of the pain I grew from. I found joy by recovering me. I found joy in the new friendships I made in my support groups. Joy is a daily goal for me.

In the first year, I was struck by bouts of grief and crying spells; I even had thoughts of dying. I learned to pick up the phone and call a friend in those moments. I had to feel the pain so it could process and pass. Joy is a choice-- one I make daily. Actually, joy and healing happened when I changed my story from being a victim to being the choice maker in my life. I also had to take a hard look at myself, and own the parts where I had contributed to the demise of my marriage.

The beauty in the mess of my divorce is that I now realize that we needed to separate for us to become healthier. I’m finally in love with myself, and proud of having chosen integrity and grace over destruction and vengefulness. I’m grateful that my ex-husband and I co-parent with the childrens’ best interest in mind and that he is a loving, devoted father. Our separated family dynamic has become the new “okay.” The new normal. We are all okay now after two years and my fear of scarring our kids didn’t come true. They are thriving and get to grow up in two emotionally healthy homes.